Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
