I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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