I cannot find my penis.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
