WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
