never play flip cup with pint glasses
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
