Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
