people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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