She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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