she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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