I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
