apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
