I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
