my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
