I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
