and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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