well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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