Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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