Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
