There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
