What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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