What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
