Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When are your genitals available?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize