today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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