I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
