im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
