here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize