Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
