Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
