I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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