Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
