He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
