No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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