hotel room ftw
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
