Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
