Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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