I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
