He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
