My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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