Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
