considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
