Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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