When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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