When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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