If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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