There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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