I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
