Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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