I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
