My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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