I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
