She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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