my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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