He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
