apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
