k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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