I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
