if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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