we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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