Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
